Know Your Gems
by GojiraCipher
Summary: -Repost- Based off the sketch 'Know Your Stars' from All That. Join Steven and the Gems as the original troll announcer introduce each one. Expect more chapters as new gems are introduced.
1. Chapter 1

'Know Your Stars' was a sketch from the hit Nickelodeon tv series, 'All That'. It involves an announcer making stuff up about the focused Stars (whether they are the casts, guest stars, or real celebrities). Just think of the announcer as the original troll.

 **Chapter 1:** Steven Universe

Pearl

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

Pearl sits delightfully on a chair, looking as proper as always.

"Pearl. Her room is covered in dirt."

"WHAT?!" Pearl rose from her chair. "My room is spotless. Amethysts on the other hand…"

"Pearl. She collects bunny skeletons and scare Steven with them."

"Why I never! How can you make up such horrible lies? I will never frighten Steven."

"Pearl. She hates Steven and Rose Quartz."

"I DO NOT!" Pearl drew out her spear from her gem. "Where are you!? I'll show you what a real gem is made of! You uncivilized scoundrel!"

"Now you know, Pearl."

"No they don't. You there, T.V. humans, don't believe his lies!"

* * *

Garnet

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars

"I already know what you are going to say." Garnet said. "I can see into the future."

"No you can't."

Garnet remained silent.

"Garnet. She doesn't know I can see the future too."

"Wait a minute." Garnet looked up. "This wasn't what I saw. You were going to say that I smell like cheese."

"Garnet. She admitted that she smells like cheese."

Garnet kept herself calm on the outside, but felt dishonored that she'd fell for it.

"Garnet. She hates Steven."

Garnet folded her arms and looked away.

"She's not denying it."

Garnet held in her anger.

"Garnet. Is afraid of something that begins with an H. And also an L. and Also a G."

Garnet growled a little.

"Garnet. Is an anti-socialist."

Garnet finally had enough. "Where are you?!"

"Now you know, Garnet."

"You certainly don't know me, yet!"

* * *

Amethyst

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

Amethyst laid on the chair, picking her eye.

"Amethyst. She loves cleaning up."

"Well I … hey!" She sat up straight. "Do you know who I am?"

"Amethyst. She was created to clean windows and make them sparkle."

"No I … I"

"Amethyst. Is a crybaby."

"I am not a crybaby!" Amethyst glared up to the ceiling.

"Amethyst. She uses soap."

"I will never in my life!" her irritated attitude turned to anger.

Amethyst. "Hates Steven."

"Me hating Steven? As if!" She looked away.

"Amethyst. Does not like Little Butler."

Amethyst jumped off her chair and drew her whip. "I do like that show! I'm gonna smash you to pieces!"

"Now you know, Amethyst."

"Oh no they don't! Come here so I don't have to hunt you down!"

* * *

Peridot

Peridot shat in a chair, checking some status charts.

"Peridot. Is stupid."

Peridot's eyes lit up. "What, how dare you call me stupid. Do you know who I am?"

"Peridot. She's the janitor of Chuck E. Cheese."

"I am no janitor! You're making me very angry."

"Peridot. She has less fans than one of the background characters."

"Why do I need fans for? I don't need to breath like those humans."

"Peridot. She wants to join the crystal gems."

"And betray homeworld?" Peridot jumped from her chair. "Gems of homeworld. The voice is lying!"

"Peridot. She can't fight on her own."

Peridot gasped. "I can fight. Just not as good … shut up!"

"Now you know, Peridot."

"I'm reporting this!"

* * *

Lapis Lazuli

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

"Lapis Lazuli"

"Who said that?" Lapis looked around confused.

"She is going crazy."

"I am?" She held her legs together, frightened.

"Lapis Lazuli. She's too afraid of home."

"It's …. It's so different now."

"Lapis Lazuli. She has the power to control cats."

"Cats?" She looked up into the air. "I don't. I control water."

"Lapis Lazuli. Is a crazy cat lady."

"I'm not crazy, and I'm not a cat!"

"Lapis Lazuli. She hates Steven."

Lapis gasped. "No, he's my only friend."

"Lapis Lazuli. She has no friends."

"I do have friends, and that's Steven. But you're not!"

"Now you know, Lapis Lazuli."

"I know who I am already!"

* * *

Connie

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

"Connie. She loves Steven."

Connie instantly turned red. "Wait, I-"

"Connie. She always daydreams about Steven."

"Now wait just a second! I don't think of him that way!" Connie started sweating.

"Connie. She looks up fan art of Steven and her kissing."

"Shut up, he might hear!"

"Connie. She's not good enough for Steven."

"What!?" Connie yelled to the top of her lungs. "I am good enough for him and he's good enough for me!" Connie then covered her mouth after realizing what she'd just said.

"Ha, you do love him! Connie and Steven, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Connie frantically looked around and ran off, covering her face in shame.

"Now you know. Connie who loves Steven. And is a bed wetter."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

Steven

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

Steven grinned happily while he waved at the audience.

"Steven Universe. The other gems and Connie hate him."

"What?!" Steven said loudly. "No they don't. They're my friends and family."

"Or really, look at this video."

A T.V. was lowered from the ceiling. Then it showed Steven heavily edited clips of the Gems from earlier. "Steven. You uncivilized scoundrel." said Pearl. "Garnet is anti-Steven. She's not denying it." The announcer said about the silent Garnet. "Me Hating Steven? I do." said Amethyst. "Steven is not my friend." said Lapis. "I don't think he's good enough for me." said Connie. "I am a janitor." said Peridot.

Steven made the biggest puppy dog eyes and ran away crying.

"STEVEN!" Then everyone else came in, furious. "Steven, come back. He's lying!" Pearl shouted as everyone looked around. "Reveal yourself, monster!"

"Or we'll destroy every bit of this structure till we find you!" said Peridot.

"And we will." said Garnet.

"No you won't."

(Fifteen minutes later)

The Gems and Connie sat together, catching their breath after they destroyed the entire studio.

"The Crystal Gems. They can travel in space, fought monsters, and saved the world plenty of times; but they still can't find me."

"WHO ARE YOU!?"

* * *

Rose Quartz

Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars.

Rose Quartz stood in the middle of the studio's remains at night.

"Rose Quartz. She ships Steven and Connie!"

"I do." Rose then dragged a cannon into the scene. "And now I'll ship you to the moon."

"Wait, where are you aiming that and no no no Ahhhh!"

After a successful attack, Rose put on some shades and smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **SPOILERS TO STEVEN BOMB 4**

Ruby and Sapphire

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

Ruby and Sapphire sat together in the same chair, looking rather annoyed.

"Ruby and Sapphire." The announcer spoke. "They are going to be censored forever."

"What?!" shouted Ruby, steaming up. "By who? 4kids?"

"No, by Sapphire herself."

"Sapphire?!" Ruby looked at her soulmate with hurt eyes.

"Ruby, remember what he said when we were Garnet?" Sapphire spoke calmly. "Don't let him deceit you."

"Sapphire. Ruby doesn't deserve you."

"She does deserve me!" shouted Ruby.

"Oh what's this? Speaking for her? How controlling."

Ruby gasped. "No! I mean I-"

"Ruby. She abuses Sapphire."

"I would never! But I'll abuse you!"

"Ruby. She wants to keep me quiet because I know she's abusing Sapphire."

"Ruby…" Steven Universe spoke in a hurt voice. "Do you really abuse Sapphire?"

"Steven!" Sapphire and Ruby gasped. "He's lying again!"

Ruby furiously looked around. "Where are you hiding?!"

"Sorry, only Rose Quartz figured that out."

"What!?" Steven asked in shock.

"Don't worry. I'll get to you again."

"Show yourself!"

* * *

Jasper

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

Jasper looked around the room. "Where am I, and who said that?!"

"Jasper."

"Huh?"

"She's in love with Lapis Lazuli."

"Whaaaaat!?" Jasper kicked her chair away. "She's just as much of a traitor as those Crystal Gems! She also had me prisoner!"

"Jasper. She wanna marry Lapis because of Stockholm Syndrome."

"What does that mean?!"

"Jasper."

"Stop saying my name!"

"She could use some water."

Jasper spin-dashed around the room. "Where are you hiding?!"

"Why not ask Rose Quartz? I think she's still in that weak form."

Jasper stopped herself. "Right, now where's…"

"Jasper!" Lapis Lazuli showed up and captured Jasper with a giant aquatic hand.

"Jasper. She gets beat up by crazy cat ladies easily."

"Rrrraaaaah!"

* * *

Lapis Lazuli

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

Lapis Lazuli looked up as she holds Jasper down.

"Lapis Lazuli"

"Not you again!"

"Cartoon Network went and messed up big time for her."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Lapis Lazuli. She's not going to get an answer. Byyyyye."

"Wait, come back!" Lapis tried reaching out, but almost lost control over Jasper.

* * *

Blue Diamond

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

Blue Diamond waved with her blue Pearl beside her.

"Blue Diamond. She was only in that one flashback so I'll just say that she smells like peanut butter."

Blue Diamond was about to speak, but then a pile of peanut butter dropped on her.

* * *

Yellow Diamond

Yellow Diamond looked unamused as she stood in the room.

"Yellow Diamond. She's a clod."

Yellow Diamond frowned greatly, but was then covered by a flash.

"Took a picture of you. Now no human will take your face seriously after they turn it into a meme."

"What?!" shouted Yellow Diamond in all her anger. "What do you mean 'meme'? I demand you tell me this instant!"

"Bye!"

"No! You organic lifeform! Tell me! I am a Gem! The most superior race in all of-"

"Cut!"

* * *

Peridot the Crystal Gem

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

The smallest and newest member of the Crystal Gem sat nervously.

"Periodot. She's going crazy!"

"Yes I am!" Periodot took out a tape recorder and replayed 'clod' over and over.

"Peridot. She's thinking about what Yellow Diamond will do to her for her betrayal."

Peridot yelled and hid under the chair, while replaying 'Traitor'.

"Peridot. She had no idea that Yellow Diamond was just here."

"WHAT!?" Peridot ran and latched onto the camera, causing it to tip over. "HIDE ME!"

"Peridot …. Yellow Diamond! Peridot is right here!"

"Where is that insignificant Peridot!?"

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Peridot ran off as Yellow Diamond stormed after her.

"Peridot. Has been confirmed as a janitor, and also a kitty."

* * *

Steven Universe again

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

Steven Universe sat there, covering his ear. "La la la! I can't hear your lie!"

"Good thing I still have this T.V."

A T.V. lowered and Steven shields his eyes.

"This one's about your mom."

Steven opened his eye to see a video of Rose Quart.

"She blasted me after that last 'Know Your Stars'."

"Woooooh." Steven said in aww. "Wait, shouldn't she still be part of me?"

"Steven Universe. His mother divorced his dad."

"WHAT?!"

"Steven Universe. His mother left him alone with a single dad as she runs off with another man."

"That's not true! That's not true!"

"Steven Universe. "Everything he heard about his mother is a lie."

"La la la la la!"

"Steven Universe! He made Peridot a traitor and now Yellow Diamond has her."

"Nooooo!"

"Steven Universe. I'm his favorite person."

* * *

Garnet

Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars. Know Your Stars.

The first version of Garnet waddled to the chair.

"Garnet. Rainbow means no more flood, not your whiny pride."

"I don't get it?"

"Good!" The announcer chuckled. "Oh I hope I get lots of angry comments after this. I didn't get any for Christmas."

 **End of Chapter**

"NOT SO FAST!"

"Connie!? How'd you get here?! And when did you get that sword?"

"I'm here to avenge Steven, and maybe Garnet."

"Take it easy with that ow ow ouch! Nononononono Eouch! Back I say, Back! Aaaaah!"

"And that's as much I can get away with for K+"

"Connie. She broke the fourth wall. OW!"

 **A/N: I have nothing against homosexuals. That bit with Garnet was meant for comedy only. Please do not make a fuss about it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Lapis Lazuli**

Know your Stars

Yada Yada Yada

.

.

Lapis Lazuli is sitting in a chair, looking a bit goth/emo/emotionless/whatever the heck politics want us to say.

"Lapis Lazuli." The announcer said. "…. Is this her usual attitude? Huh, thought it would be more like, now what's the word losers use? Oh yeah, waifu!"

Lapis just shrugged.

"Lapis Lazuli. She lives in a cave."

"I live in a barn." Lapis said.

"Oh really? You must be a pig."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "A pig? What are you talking about?"

"Lapis Lazuli. She can't understand people talk because she is a dirty barn animal."

Lapis's temper started to grow. "Now listen here!"

"Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't speaking your language. Ahem, oink oink oink!"

Lapis released her water wings. "Why did I even agree to come back here?"

"Because you're a pig and we have mud since you clearly admitted you live in a barn."

Lapis decided it was best to give up.

"Now you know, Lapis Lazuli. The Gem who tastes like ham."

* * *

 **Bismuth**

You Know This By Now

.

.

.

Bismuth looked around the dark room with the spotlight shining down. "O.K., what is this?"

"Bismuth."

Bismuth looked up. "Who's there? … Wait, I know what this is all about." Bismuth stood up and turned her hand into a sword. "You're trying to get the dirt from me for Homeworld. I won't talk!"

"Bismuth, she's a liar!"

"Liar? Me, you should go talk to Rose Quartz!"

"And you said earlier that you won't talk!"

Bismuth's eyes widened a bit from the shock, but kept her temper. "Look, I don't have time to play games. I need to get back to work."

"Bismuth. She works at a stuffed animal factory."

"Stuffed animal? I make weapons."

"Bismuth. Obama wants to close her down."

"What? Who!? Obama? What kind of gem is that?"

"Bismuth. She's prejudice against humans."

This shocked Bismuth. "Heck no! Humans are the victims of Homeworld."

"Then why did you just assume Obama was a gem and not a human? You human hater! No wonder Steven locked you up with the Corrupted Gems."

"Hold on, what do you mean Corrupted Gems?"

"Bismuth, she's the reason Lapis was stuck on Earth in the first place."

"Lapis?" Bismuth asked. "Which one? I've punched hundreds of them."

"Bismuth, she hates Lapis Lazuli's too."

"Not this again." Bismuth shouted. "Look, I don't know who or where you are, but I'll pummel you the next time you say anything else against me!"

"Bismuth, look behind you."

Bismuth folded her arms, refusing to co-operate, but then Lapis came behind her and poofed her with a water spear.

"And now we're even."

"Know you know, Bismuth."

* * *

 **Ruby Squad**

Know these people

.

.

The Ruby Squad all sat on the same chair, while some fought over who will stand on top.

"Ruby Squad."

The Squad looked around. "Who said that?"

"They're so dumb."

"Hey!" The leader of the squad named Doc shouted as she climbed on the top. "We are Yellow Diamond's best Ruby Force! That is why she had sent us to retrieve Jasper."

"Ruby Squad. They hate Jasper."

"What?!" Eyeball glared at the others. "Who hates Jasper!? Which one of you!?"

"Ruby Squad. They clean the gutters of a Pearl's home."

"Wait, Pearls own homeworld?" The Ruby with her gem on her leg named Leggy said. "But But, do we have the whole pecking order backwards the entire time?"

"Ruby Squad. Army is weak."

"Hey, I'm the toughest out of all of these Gems!" The Ruby with the gem on her arm, Army, said as she crushed a soda bottle with her bare hands. "See."

"Ruby Squad. Doc can't count."

"Ha, watch me." Doc counted her companions. "One, Two, Three, Four. See, four Rubies!"

"Ruby Squad. Navy betrayed homeworld by joining the Crystal Gems.

"What?!" Navy gasped. "That's not true, I took back the ship and-"

"You joined who!?" All the Rubies ganged up on Navy and started beating her to the ground.

"Now you know, The Ruby Squad."

"They really are dumb." Amethyst passed by, eating a bagel.

"Amethyst. She's a racist."

"I raced what now?"

* * *

 **Corrupt Jasper**

Corrupt Jasper sat there, chewing on a chair.

"Corrupt Jasper." The announcer spoke. "Who's a good girl? You are! You are!"

Corrupt Jasper dropped the chair and started growling at nothing.

"Wanna treat? Waaaannaaa treat?"

Then a huge bone was dropped from the ceiling and Corrupt Jasper started chewing it with joy.

"Corrupt Jasper. She's a dog ….. why yes I did went there."

"Arf!" Was Jasper's only response.

"Now you know, Corrupt Jasper."

* * *

 **Holly Blue Agate**

There's what her face

.

.

Holly Blue Agate sat properly on the chair.

"Holly Jolly Christmas." The announcer said.

"Hm?" Holly looked around. "Who said that?"

"She's let in a bunch of rebellion scum in Pink Diamond's Zoo."

Holly gasped. "Who told you!?"

"Holly Blue Clues. She dropped a picture of Pink Diamond in a toilet."

"I will never drop an image depicting the wonderful Pink Diamond who has been honored by Blue Diamond after Pink Diamond's passing! Wait, what's a toilet?"

"Hold The Gate. She let the Amethysts run a muck in the Zoo and toss humans in space."

"Why I never!" Holly shouted. "It's true that-"

"She admits it!" the announced randomly shouted.

"H-How dare you! I-"

(It's true.)

Holly gasped at hearing her own voice. "You've recorded that! You scoundrel! I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget!"

"Now you know, Holy Glue Asparagus"

"Get back here! You're insulted my name and consider me a failure."

"I saw the episode. I'm gonna tell Blue Diamond!"

"W-Wait, come back!"

* * *

 **Blue Diamond and Blue Pearl**

Know Your you know she's not going to be all happy seeing who Steven's mother is when she comes back to Earth.

Blue Diamond, with her hood down, looked up. "Did you hear something, Pearl?"

"Yes, My Diamond." Blue Pearl bowed. "We are being interviewed by a disembodied human."

"A disembodied human you say?" Blue Diamond said with curiosity. "How interesting. He could make a fine addition to-"

Then a screen lowered and showed Blue Diamond the clips of the Gems rescuing Greg and escaping.

"…. Oh Holy Blue Agate…."

A gulp was heard off screen after Blue Diamond's emotionless call.

"Know You Know that I just doomed the Crystal Gems."

"Why thank you very kindly." Blue Diamond said. "Now where are you so I can transport you to the Zoo?"

* * *

 **Peridot**

Peridot played around with her metal powers. "This is amazing! That annoying clod of a voice won't make fun of me now!"

"Toph Beifong."

"Huh?" Peridot looked up. "What did you just called me?"

"Toph Beifong."

Peridot gasped as she jumped up and down in anger. "My name is-"

"A Janitor who name is Toph Beifong."

"Rrrraaaaah!"

"Toph Beifong. Her nose doesn't work."

"I am not Toph Beifong!"

"She's just saying that because she won't admit she smells like a toilet."

"Shut up!"

"Toph Beifong. She controls the element of wind."

"I am not Toph Beifong, and I control metal."

"Toph Beifong. She admitted she's not tough."

"Ha ….. wait a minute. What do you mean by that last one?"

"Toph Beifong. She hates the mud so much that she always goes to those fancy bath houses to get herself all pretty for some good mannered tea time."

"You have the wrong Gem. My name is Peridot, Peridot!"

"Toph Beifong. She's in love with Sokka but can't admit it because it's not canon and he's dead in Legend of Korra and she already hooked up with two guys."

"What are you even talking about? If this is about this Toph thing looking for a suitable companion, I can help with that."

"Toph Beifong, is not this person right here."

"Finally, you've realized your mistake."

"Yes I have. Toph is so much more likable than you will ever be."

"HEY!"

"Now you know, Peridot."

"My name is not Peridot, it's Toph! … Hey!"

"Oh now you're pretending to be Toph Beifong so you can go to all those parties and be praised for stopping the Fire Nation which you didn't do. How dare you, you despicable Gem!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"Well that was worth the over year long wait, now I will HEY! Corrupt Jasper?! Easy there …. I'm not a chew toy AAAAAHHH!"

 **End of Chapter**


End file.
